Shit My Muse Says Pt.1

Shit my muse LOVES: Morior by Tom Barczak

“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.”
Robert Benchley

What is that thing in the picture?

That, my dear friends/family members/random passer-byers, is a Morior. This particular Morior has a name, Eralos, and he’s a quite a nasty, boorish sort of Morior. He also happens to be a fallen immortal. This is, of course, from my Guardians trilogy. A fellow author, Thomas Barczak did this sketch last week and I’ve stared at it ever since. I fully intend to have Thomas do a series of drawings for me for future use either on the Guardians blog or perhaps additional publications for Guardians (such as an E-encyclopdia). Why am I showing it to you?

Because I can…

No, really it’s because I think there is something to be said for indulging yourself a little as an author—your muse likes it and will behave when you do.  Which per usual got me thinking about what ELSE my muse, specifically, likes. So I thought now would be a good time to start a series about all the shit my muse says. Everyone in the blogosphere is doing “series” these days, so for once in my life I caved to the peer pressure and I’m now doing what all the popular kids are doing. This is my lame attempt at going with the flow. So, without further ado: Shit my muse says…

* You know, when you drink that much coffee, you’re only writing faster—not smarter. There is a difference. The more caffeine you consume in one writing session, the more of a dumbass you make me out to be. I’m not overly fond of this.

* I like split-infinitves. You can sort it out with your editor later. Yes, I know they’re bad. That’s your problem, MRS. Fancy Pants Author, not mine.

* For Christ’s sake will you PLEASE Stop reading reviews on Goodreads and Amazon? Or anywhere else for that matter? Every single time you ‘glance’ at your stats or a group of reviews, you’re effectively clamping your hand over my mouth. Then, you have the nerve to get mad at me for not saying anything?!

* There is a CAA meeting at the local Y next Wednesday. I’m signing you up. What do you mean you don’t know what CAA is? Comma Abusers Anonymous. It’s like AA without the occasional boozing and with, ridiculous, unnecessary, pausing….and a worse hangover.

* Do you realize how often you nod? Your husband nods. Your mother nods. The dude chewing gum at the DMV nodded when you lied and told him you only weighed 110 pounds. Do you have some perverse need to voice aloud every single instance you perform or see someone commit this act of normalcy? No? Then why the hell do you insist on typing it ALL. THE. TIME. (My muse shakes her head, frowning)

*Ahem….same goes with the whole shaking-of-the-head bit. Knock it off already!

* It’s perfectly reasonable to tell you all about other works while you’re trying to write to a deadline. My name is not Motivation, it’s Muse. I’m much better looking, I come around more often and technically I don’t require you to *do* anything. You should be grateful that I feel so inclined as to whisper, ever-so-gently, into your ear.

* I like adjectives and adverbs. So, either learn to use them effectively or fill out an application to flip burgers ’cause I have NO intention of losing my affinity for them. Yes, I know what a word search is and I don’t appreciate the tone you’re taking with me.

* Hot wings … all flappers … with extra hot sauce, extra ranch dressing and extra celery, are all totally necessary to write this next scene. No, seriously, you’re not typing a single word until these items are procured. I don’t care that it’s Sunday or that Willy T’s is closed.

* Still no hot wings? Such a shame. It’d be a PERFECT day to write, don’t you think?

* Readers, some of them, don’t think writers ever make mistakes. The well-read ones will realize that, while ideal, this ridiculous concept is not true. AT. ALL. So do the best you can and learn from your errors. You have an editor at Rhemalda who will catch 99% of the things you miss while drafting your fiction. Learn from that instruction. But, DON’T let your fear of the public’s perception hinder you from blogging as honestly as you always have. You will make mistakes. You are only human. Whoever has an issue with it can come take it up with me in private. It won’t be pretty.

* 3am is a perfectly reasonable time to send you inspiration. Perfectly. Reasonable. Why are you asking?

* I know I’m getting on your nerves, but that major info dump you just dropped into chapter five isn’t going to make me go away.

* YES?!? You have to write down the verbal picture I’m painting rightdamnow! I’m only giving you this idea once, and then that’s it. Your time with that idea will have passed and I’ll hand it off to someone else’s muse who will listen to them.

* OK, I lied about the too much coffee thing. WE NEED COFFEE NOW!

Part II coming next week. Meanwhile, what kind of shit does your muse say?

11 responses

  1. My Muse often tells me that I need cigars. We keep the humidor stocked full year round. Occasionally, She tell tells me that I need to listen to loud music. Sometimes, She tell me that I need to research more before I should continue writing.

    Then there are the other voices that the doctors tell me I need medication to suppress. Stupid doctors.

  2. OMG! ROFLMAO!!! Hysterical! I get similar “muse”-ings all the time 😀

    Some things I get told sometimes:

    “Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s a great idea. Ohh, but I found a shiny new object…”

    “I was born to flip.”

    And with regards to the CAA, my muse thinks your muse needs to sign me up too 😀 Not to mention the total love of adjective, adverbs, and split infinitives…

    Nice morior btw 🙂 I love the name most…brings me back to my Latin roots. *Sigh*

    • Leah, I don’t know where your other comment went. I approved it. Hmmm. And I’m STOKED that you caught the Morior reference. Morte. Death. 🙂

      John, my muse loves to smoke those cheap ass swisher sweets. LOVES THEM. My husband, however, HATES them. Sometimes the muse wins. Sometimes the man wins.

  3. Wonderful post! Wonderful conversation with your muse. I find that mine jumps around a bit. Between people. Sometimes objects. Minor possession. Right now shes in my J.S. Chancellor Sons of Ereubus coaster.
    Oh, and thanks for sharing the artwork. The name you gave it was pretty cool too.

  4. I Love this post…. or maybe it’s my muse, anyhow it’s awesome!

    My muse comes out when I drive by Target and tells me I can go in for just that one thing I need…. then tricks me into spending $50.00 on everything else and leaving there with out the one little thing I went in for….. she does it to me at Hobbly Lobby too, like i really need more Art supplies!

    When I am teaching I have to constantly shut her up… but we are not even going there!

  5. My Muse insists on giving me the best scenes, the best action, and the best solutions, not in the middle of the night, when I could conceivably find that bit of paper and pen I left handy, but when I’ve taken a well-earned break (oh yes it was) and I’m out walking the dogs.
    “What – you don’t have a pen with you?? What kind of writer doesn’t take a pen and paper everywhere? You know what your memory’s like – how do you expect to remember that fabulous bit of dialogue I just sent you? No, no – it’s no good you mumbling it repeatedly under your breath, you know that as soon as you meet someone else walking you’re gonna forget every word. Why do you think dictaphones were invented? For goodness sake – GO BUY ONE NOW!!”
    *hangs head and sighs* I humbly obey every command.

  6. It is so wonderfully refreshing to be reminded from time-to-time that we are not alone in hearing the voices in our heads. 🙂 What is particularly disturbing is the fact that my Muse and my wife’s Muse tend to communicate and conspire with each other behind our backs. That has the natural potential to get very confusing, and is the great danger involved in marrying another writer.

    My favorite interaction with my Muse was during the writing of Book 4 of “Noricin Chornicles.” Two characters that *were not supposed to get together* until Book 5 conspired with my Muse (and probably my wife’s Muse – even though we were only engaged and at opposite sides of the country at the time) behind my back and told me that if I didn’t have them kiss right then and there, there would be some very nasty repurcussions involved for me. They were very adamant about the whole thing, and I could just here Mr. Muse cackling away in the background.

    But that’s okay, because I got my revenge later when I dragged a character kicking and screaming into a sex-change operation. He/she was not pleased, not pleased at all. But, he/she is supposed to be grouchy, so it just ended up making him/her even more in character.

  7. My muse makes a habit of only talking to me when she knows I can not possibly write/record/dictate/tap out in Morse code/etc. any thing she tells me. It’s her favorite game to whisper something truly inspired and see how much I can remember once I jump out of the shower, blinded by stinging shampoo or put the car in park. My muse loves to conspire with Mark’s muse and characters in font of my back (where’s the fun in doing it behind my back, after all). Occasionally she will relent and wander up beside me when I am actually at my laptop. Then, with a devilish glint in her eye, she peers at the keyboard, remembers the “y” key is broken and only works 1 in 3 times and says “Oh, what fun! We simply must compose some gibberish full of y-words or I will never let you sleep, shower, or bake anything again!”

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