Shit My Muse Says Pt.2

Neal McDonough (Tin Man)

“I decided that it was not wisdom that enabled poets to write their poetry, but a kind of instinct or inspiration, such as you find in seers and prophets who deliver all their sublime messages without knowing in the least what they mean.” ~Socrates

Why is there a picture of Neal McDonough in this post? Well … that’s easy … because my muse LOVES Neal McDonough.

I have no idea why she picks certain actors, but Neal, Christian Bale and Liam Neeson are repeat offenders. They seem to always be showing up for casting calls in my head (you know, auditions for my characters. Doesn’t everyone have those??) and they always manage to get a part. Or two.

Without further ado, more shit my muse says:

“That left foot … yeah, curl that beneath you till it falls asleep. That right one … move … yes, this is totally necessary. Now, pay attention or you’re going to miss something.”

“Oh please. You were going to have that second glass of wine anyway.”

“Young lady, use one more pronoun, just one, in this paragraph and I’ll turn this whole novel right around!”

“I don’t care if everyone else’s muses let their writers write about Zombies. Don’t you give me that look!”

“YOU wanted this novel. YOU promised me you that understood that it’d be your responsibility to feed, water and take on walks. And now you want me to pick up after it? I knew this was going to happen. Next time I’m getting you a gerbil instead. It’ll cost less.”

“You’re spelling that wrong. No, really, look it up.”

“Told you so …”

“I’m sorry, I just can’t let you see him again. He’s a bad influence on you and I don’t like how you act when you’re around him. I don’t care if he loves you, or that you love him. You’ll grow up and this will pass, I promise. Vampire Smut will find someone else to fall in love with and he’ll move on without you. Just wait … you’ll see.”

“Yes, but this COULD be a horror novel. You’re just not giving it enough credit.”

“She could die in this scene. A really gruesome, frightening, Stephen-King-creepy kind of death. Are you sure?”

**kicks dirt**

“Fine damn it. The main character will make it till the end of the novel in one piece. But her head would look SO cool if it exploded. OK, OK, I’m shutting up.”

“Kaboom … OK, no really, I’m done.”

“Ka … just kidding.”

“Eeeew, spit that plot out RIGHT NOW! Don’t put stuff like that in your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been.”

“Haven’t I told you before? Don’t take candy from agents. There isn’t really a puppy in the van either, they just want you to feel up their blog.”

“You’re not done editing yet. I know it hurts, but this hurts me way worse than it hurts you.”

“I brought you into this industry young lady, and I can take you out of it!”

“You don’t want to listen to me? Well, we’ll just see about that when your editor gets home.”

“It’s all fun and games until someone dangles a participle.”

And here’s a word for the wise: Don’t let your muse write a check, that your ass can’t cash …

11 responses

  1. ROFLMAO!!! I’ve been waiting for part two, glad to have finally read it! Love “curl the left foot under you…” I’m the opposite, and was sitting on the right when I read that. As always, J.S., thanks for the great post!
    *mutters “feel up their blog”* Classic. 🙂

  2. ROFL. I’m in stitches!

    And yes, I totally have a cast of actors that constantly run through my head. Don’t laugh but it includes Mandy Moore, Zachary Levi (and not just because I just watched Tangled for the first time tonight), and of course…Liam Neeson. Qui-Gonn Jinn (and Ewan McGregor) totally made that movie which otherwise would have sucked jalapeno jello through its nose, and this coming from one of the biggest Star Wars fans (read “geeks”) in this or any other galaxy no matter how far away Lucas thinks it is.

    I’ll spare myself further ridicule by not providing a complete list. This is just an example to express my sympathy with you. 😀

  3. I needed the giggles tonight. Thanks. Love your muse, she’s great. One of my actors that shows up is the guy who played the vampire in moonlight and now is on Hawaii 5-O.

    My muse came up with, “Call me when your really ready to write” today. Thanks so much, girl. I was trying and you walked off to try on a really fabulous pair of shoes you found in some store window on a space station. Just great. I am so not telling her where I keep the credit card.

  4. “You read this sh*t and you know you can do it, too, so whassup?”
    “I wake you up every morning at 3:17 so you can choose to write – choose me!”
    “Ah – ain’t it great when we do it together?”
    “What a great ride!”
    “What do you mean, you want to go to YOGA f*ck*n class?”

  5. My muse often says things like:
    “Yeah, no. That is not going to flow.”
    “Oh, you think you’re funny, do you?”
    “comma… space… noun… question mark… Question Mark…. I SAID QUESTION MARK” Usually my muse is swearing at me about this point, and I will defiantly shove the supposed requirement in there, and stomp off for a breather.

    It’s refreshing to know that all muses are stroppy buggers, whether they are male or female. Mines a male, just for the record. He thinks he’s a god, which annoys the crap out of me, and he fantasises about porn stars. Not good. So, because of him, every female character that we write, MUST be flawless. Pfft. Yeah right. We all know that’s not reality… but he seems to think so.

  6. I think your muse has been sipping on the wine. Very funny, but-yeah-no don’t let him take over. Oh… he already has. Well, at least he helps with your writing. Now remember, stay in your write mind…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: